Bob walked through the revolving door and found his way to
the building directory, on the wall next to a big potted plant. Looking down the list, he saw:
Holiday Clearinghouse 405
So he took the elevator.
On the fourth floor, it wasn’t immediately obvious which hallway to
take, but there was someone at the information desk.
Bob: “Could you tell
me which way’s four-oh-five?”
Information: “Take
the hall to the left, and Holidays is the third door on your right, just past
the Pepsi machine.”
Inside 405 was a small waiting area, with adequate padded
chairs arranged in a squared-off C shape.
It looked like Bob would have to wait, but hopefully not for too
long. On the wall was a big bulletin
board, with official looking notices. One had to do with the minimum wage (both in
English and Spanish), and for some reason there was another small poster about
forests with a picture of Smokey the Bear.
Finding the magazine rack, Bob leafed through. It was the same old same old, mostly celebrity
gossip, or how to decorate your house (and hey!
Here are some photos of places you’ll never afford, even in your wildest
dreams). And of course, Highlights for
the kids. Eh.
And whoever chose the magazines had a very limited,
stereotypical notion of what men liked to read.
Sports, hunting, or cars, it was always the same. Not that there was anything wrong with
those. Bob does enjoy a good baseball
game from time to time, and he has even been known to look at football on TV. And he never misses watching the Indy
500. But he just isn’t into reading
sports magazines. He’s also not a
hunter, and while he enjoys a classic car show (preferably with tailfins and
plenty of chrome) he’s just not into reading a bunch of mechanical details and
performance comparisons.
Now why can’t they have a pilot’s magazine here, with
pictures of airplanes? That would be
different and exciting! People would
look at that.
He was just about to settle for an old Readers Digest. There was usually a dramatic real life story,
a struggle against titanic forces, with a rescue just in the nick of time. It would be pretty intense stuff , nothing
silly like lost socks in a dryer. Those
stories were usually followed by a joke at the bottom of the page. Those were usually good. Just then though, Bob heard “Next!”, so he
got up and walked over to the counter.
Bob: “I filled out
and brought in this application for a new holiday, Mike Day.”
Counter Man: “Let’s
see what you got."
(There was a slight rustle of paper as the forms were handed
over.)
Counter Man: “August
11, huh? So you don’t want a floating
holiday, always on a Monday, that sort of thing?”
Bob: “No, it’s got to
be the eleventh every year.”
(Counter Man brought up a calendar on his computer screen.)
Counter Man: “Okay,
no problem, August 11 is not taken.
Well, not by anything too major, just Presidential Joke Day. Like we say here, every day’s a holiday.”
Bob: “Great!”
Counter Man: “Wait,
you left this blank, where it says Mascot.”
Bob: “Yeah, I wasn’t
sure what to do with that. Hmmm…Mike
does like Batman…”
Counter Man: “Nope,
no bats. They’re booked only for
Halloween. It’s some kind of union
rule.”
Bob: “Let me
think. I suppose elves are out because
of Christmas commitments?”
Counter Man: “Right.”
Bob: “Okay, how
about, could we do a giant, magical, talking toad?”
(Counter Man keys in a search on “holiday, mascot, toad,
talking”.)
Counter Man: “Your
lucky day. Now how would you describe
this giant, talking toad?”
Bob: “Well…he looks
like an average toad, except bigger, maybe the size of a big dog. And, I dunno, sometimes he would wear a
little hat, but not all the time.”
(Counter Man enters “Toad mascot is not misshapen, but is
unnaturally large; comparable to a large dog.
Often wears a hat.”)
Bob: “Oh, and he has
to have hands, with real working fingers so he can pick up stuff.”
Counter Man: “I’ve
seen frogs flick out their tongues to catch flies before.”
Bob: “Well…if we have
to settle for that, I guess. But I was
hoping for more.”
(Counter Man keys in “Has hands which can grasp and pick up
objects”.)
Counter Man: “So,
what kind of things does this toad say?”
Bob: “Mostly happy,
lighthearted greetings. But he always
slips in a serious warning or bit of smart advice. He’s wise beyond his years, you could
say. And sometimes he speaks in
limericks.”
Counter Man: “That’s
like some kind of poem?”
Bob: “Yeah, like, ‘There
once was a man from Springfield…’”
Counter Man: “Got it. Now, how is he a magical toad, again?”
Bob: “Well, his power
is telepathy. He can read minds. But he never uses his power for evil; he’s a
good toad. Give you an example, say Mike
has misplaced his car keys. The Mike Day
Toad would hop over, and peer into Mike’s mind and figure out where the keys
are.”
Counter Man: “We’ll
just leave it that he’s magical for now.
I think maybe it’s better to leave these things kind of vague at first,
then let the holiday traditions grow as the years go by. For instance, take Dog Constitution Day, with
the bank robbing folk singing group, the rogue census takers, and the big
walking cactus. That holiday turned weird, and
no one knows why.”
Bob: “I’ve never
heard of that! It sounds…strangely
interesting though.”
Counter Man: “Yeah,
it is fun, in a bizarre sort of way. Well,
we’re about done. Under How to
Celebrate, you have ‘Invite family and friends in for conversation, to listen
to festive music, and have good food…and something else. I’m
trying to make out your writing here, it looks like it says ‘Slow Yellow
Navy’. What is that?”
Bob: “Uh, well,
macaroni and cheese. It’s a long
story. You can leave that off.”
Counter Man: “Okay,
we’ll keep this simple too. “ (He keys
in, “Celebrate by having family and friends over for conversation, good food,
and to enjoy festive music.”) “Now, are
there any outdoor celebrations? Any
fireworks, that kind of thing?”
Bob: “Nah, the Mike
I’m thinking of had a bad experience with neighbors who didn’t know when to
quit one Fourth of July. I guess it was
a noise fest into the small hours of the morning.”
Counter Man: “One more question and this will be all done and official. How about dessert?”
Bob: “Sure! What have you got? Oh, you mean for Mike Day.”
Counter Man: “Yes.”
Bob: “Do they still
make those blue M&M’s?”
Counter Man: “I’m
sure they do.”
Bob: “Good, gotta
have those. Oh, and we can’t forget the
chocolate mayonnaise cake.”
Counter Man: “What?!”
Bob: “The way I heard
it, a lot of cake recipes call for both eggs and oil. Turns out you can leave those out and substitute
mayonnaise.”
Counter Man:
“Really?”
